Life is never guaranteed yet we take for granted that we will live forever, or at least be here long enough to see our children grow and our parents die. What a harrowing experience it has been to have that perspective shattered and to see the frailty of life in my own mortality. Now the storm has passed and the deep fears are subsided but the lessons learned are deeply etched. As was shown in many ways this year there is no time for anger, remorse, or regret; there is only time for celebration, joyful exuberance, and love. I have learned these lessons many times in life, but never have they meant so much or been so clear.
My life is no longer my own. For over four years it has belonged to a wonderfully sweet little blue eyed girl and her mischievous blue eyed father. My thoughts of the future are consumed with my hopes for her and the joy of sharing it with him. The fear of not being there to see her grow has consumed me for months, just as the fear of leaving him behind has devastated my heart. However, now I can breathe. Now I know, though not guaranteed, that I have a better chance of being there to hold their hands through all of their journeys.
This year we celebrate each other. We celebrate a wonderful life full of promise and magic. We celebrate a love that shines through all we do for each other. We celebrate every moment we have together. We celebrate us.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Fear
What a consuming emotion fear is. It dictates your thoughts, emotions, well-being, outlook... it changes you.
The true test is if the changes stay after the fear has passed. Will the lessons learned and the knowledge gleaned remain, or will they too fade with the fear?
Right now life is at a standstill. There is no breath that is taken without thought, no action is simple, so sleep can be sought. This too shall pass... Right? Every day brings a deeper fear and a step closer to resolution.
Breathe... Breathe...
When it is over - Remember what was taught. Remember what was important in this moment.
The true test is if the changes stay after the fear has passed. Will the lessons learned and the knowledge gleaned remain, or will they too fade with the fear?
Right now life is at a standstill. There is no breath that is taken without thought, no action is simple, so sleep can be sought. This too shall pass... Right? Every day brings a deeper fear and a step closer to resolution.
Breathe... Breathe...
When it is over - Remember what was taught. Remember what was important in this moment.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Times Change
I really dislike it when reality intrudes on my fantasy life. Normally I have a very strict rule - they are not allowed to cross paths, and rarely ever need to acknowledge the existence of the other. But this week... This week there was no denying that my fantasy life was killed by reality.
Time now for deep breaths, stiff drinks, and lots and lots of Cubbie hugs.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Con
Ahh, Comic Con. How I've missed you. It's been two years since I last sampled your excess. Free stuff everywhere, the best flair I've ever known decorating legions of costumed geeks, all squeezing in through cramped isles in the hopeless effort to see it all.
Hall H. That hallowed ground where only the super rich and famous grace the stage. Your 6,000 strong seating filled to capacity with a line of thousands more desperately awaiting their turn to see the next biggest best thing to come. I peek through the door as it briefly opens to admit one more lucky soul, take pictures of the thousands waiting for their moment to cross the threshold, then go on my way to explore the corners that are ignored by so many.
The independent artist's gallery. The indie press graphic novels. The secluded corner that allows me 3 inches of personal space and an unobstructed view of the craziness. These surround stages and productions not often seen outside of Hollywood. Crowds gather at the whisper of "free stuff", and turn into frenzied yet organized madness, all clamoring to be the lucky recipient of a tee shirt for a movie they've never heard of, a poster of someone they'll never hang, or a first edition signed collectors edition of their favorite artist/writer newest release.
A year of anticipation, 4 days of chaos, then no more. It's back to bottling up the alter ego that only comes out for the Con. No more zombie takeovers of Horton Plaza. No more Star Troopers battling next to knights in full armor while a legion of belly dancers and Leias cheer them on. No more glitter. No more flair.
Good-bye until next year...
Hall H. That hallowed ground where only the super rich and famous grace the stage. Your 6,000 strong seating filled to capacity with a line of thousands more desperately awaiting their turn to see the next biggest best thing to come. I peek through the door as it briefly opens to admit one more lucky soul, take pictures of the thousands waiting for their moment to cross the threshold, then go on my way to explore the corners that are ignored by so many.
The independent artist's gallery. The indie press graphic novels. The secluded corner that allows me 3 inches of personal space and an unobstructed view of the craziness. These surround stages and productions not often seen outside of Hollywood. Crowds gather at the whisper of "free stuff", and turn into frenzied yet organized madness, all clamoring to be the lucky recipient of a tee shirt for a movie they've never heard of, a poster of someone they'll never hang, or a first edition signed collectors edition of their favorite artist/writer newest release.
A year of anticipation, 4 days of chaos, then no more. It's back to bottling up the alter ego that only comes out for the Con. No more zombie takeovers of Horton Plaza. No more Star Troopers battling next to knights in full armor while a legion of belly dancers and Leias cheer them on. No more glitter. No more flair.
Good-bye until next year...
Friday, July 16, 2010
I Can See Blue Sky!
Half way through July the sun has finally revealed itself. Until now it has insisted on hiding behind a veil of gray that obscured its light and warmth for months. While others in the country are dealing with heat exhaustion, we were still wearing sweaters and jeans to ward off the chill. So bring on the beach, the salt, the frigid water cooling off the roasting body, the waves that tumble you onto the shore, the happy exhaustion that follows a day of gleeful exertion.
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: " I need to give an order please."
Dumbdumb: "I am the nurse, I can help you."
Lala: "OK, great. D/C this medication."
Dumbdumb: "What?"
Lala: Maybe he can't hear me? "D/C this medication."
Dumbdumb: "Can you spell that please?"
Lala: Huh? "Spell what?"
Dumbdumb: "D/C."
Lala: "No, I won't spell that. Discontinue. Stop. No longer take. D/C. It is a common medical abbreviation." Oh. My. God. You are taking care of someone's mother.
Dumbdumb: "What?"
Lala: "Listen. Write D/C the medicine, that all you need to do. If you can't do that I need to speak with your charge nurse." And call the nursing board on you. Wow!
Dumbdumb: "I am the charge nurse!"
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: " I need to give an order please."
Dumbdumb: "I am the nurse, I can help you."
Lala: "OK, great. D/C
Dumbdumb: "What?"
Lala: Maybe he can't hear me? "D/C this medication."
Dumbdumb: "Can you spell that please?"
Lala: Huh? "Spell what?"
Dumbdumb: "D/C."
Lala: "No, I won't spell that. Discontinue. Stop. No longer take. D/C. It is a common medical abbreviation." Oh. My. God. You are taking care of someone's mother.
Dumbdumb: "What?"
Lala: "Listen. Write D/C the medicine, that all you need to do. If you can't do that I need to speak with your charge nurse." And call the nursing board on you. Wow!
Dumbdumb: "I am the charge nurse!"
Friday, July 2, 2010
Time Passes
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to see yourself as who you are now, while looking through your eyes fifteen years ago? Would your old self be amazed at how far you have come? Be disappointed that you did not live up to all the promises that you made yourself? Would you have the capacity to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you made?
I recently remade the acquaintance of someone that was one of the most important people in my life. She was my LIFE and sanity for a little over a year, and when she could no longer take the strain of being responsible for her life as well as mine we had to go our separate ways. Now, 15 years later, we met with the memory of what was and the knowledge of who we have become.
To me, she exceeded the promise of who she would become. To her, I hope I did the same. It was a rocky path we were on back then, and only luck and some glimmering hope kept us from jumping off the edge. I walked further and closer to that edge than she would, which is why she had to let me go. It wasn't safe where I was leading, and as hard as it was, she had to let me go.
I was broken when she was lost to me. But she didn't leave me empty handed. She gave me the best present in that she gave Scott. None of us could have guessed what it would become, where we would all be now, but none the less I am forever in her debt for all that she gave me.
I was surprised at how bittersweet seeing her again was. It made me miss deeply what could have been. It made me so joyous for her life and love and accomplishments. It made me regret my many, many missteps that caused pain to her and others that were trying only to help. More than anything, it warmed my heart to see her as the kind girl of my memories, made only more beautiful by age and wisdom.
In fifteen years I hope to be able to look back and see this moment as the time we were reconnected, not another lost chance and wonder, "What ever happened to that lovely girl?".
I recently remade the acquaintance of someone that was one of the most important people in my life. She was my LIFE and sanity for a little over a year, and when she could no longer take the strain of being responsible for her life as well as mine we had to go our separate ways. Now, 15 years later, we met with the memory of what was and the knowledge of who we have become.
To me, she exceeded the promise of who she would become. To her, I hope I did the same. It was a rocky path we were on back then, and only luck and some glimmering hope kept us from jumping off the edge. I walked further and closer to that edge than she would, which is why she had to let me go. It wasn't safe where I was leading, and as hard as it was, she had to let me go.
I was broken when she was lost to me. But she didn't leave me empty handed. She gave me the best present in that she gave Scott. None of us could have guessed what it would become, where we would all be now, but none the less I am forever in her debt for all that she gave me.
I was surprised at how bittersweet seeing her again was. It made me miss deeply what could have been. It made me so joyous for her life and love and accomplishments. It made me regret my many, many missteps that caused pain to her and others that were trying only to help. More than anything, it warmed my heart to see her as the kind girl of my memories, made only more beautiful by age and wisdom.
In fifteen years I hope to be able to look back and see this moment as the time we were reconnected, not another lost chance and wonder, "What ever happened to that lovely girl?".
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Age
Do you remember being young and thinking that 30 was so old? How about 40? I now look at people that are 50 - almost 20 years older than I am now - and think, "Huh, you don't look old."
I know what changed the perception. I aged. I added years and wisdom to my psyche. I no longer judge people solely on their looks (you know it matters, don't say you don't notice). I listen to their words before I determine what type of person they are. I see beauty and sexuality in all those around me, not just the young hot 20 somethings. They actually seem a little off now. I envy their physical beauty, but I also know now that intelligence, humor, and wisdom are the things that will keep me interested in them after the initial luster wears thin.
I know this is a sign of age. Hopefully it is also a sign of maturity.
The one great thing about getting older is I have better toys. So there.
I know what changed the perception. I aged. I added years and wisdom to my psyche. I no longer judge people solely on their looks (you know it matters, don't say you don't notice). I listen to their words before I determine what type of person they are. I see beauty and sexuality in all those around me, not just the young hot 20 somethings. They actually seem a little off now. I envy their physical beauty, but I also know now that intelligence, humor, and wisdom are the things that will keep me interested in them after the initial luster wears thin.
I know this is a sign of age. Hopefully it is also a sign of maturity.
The one great thing about getting older is I have better toys. So there.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wow. It's been a Monday.
RING RING
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Stupid Nurse: "I need to talk to the Dr.."
Lala: "I'm the nurse, can I help you?"
Stupid Nurse: "Who is this?"
Lala: "Lala."
Stupid Nurse: "Lala the nurse?"
Lala: Oh. My. God. "Yes, Lala the nurse."
Stupid Nurse: "Can I talk to her?"
Lala: What? "Who?"
Stupid Nurse: "Argh! Lala the nurse!"
Lala: Wow. "I am Lala the nurse. Can I help you?" Maybe I can recommend a brain transplant
or something else along those lines?
Stupid Nurse: "Oh! You're the nurse? Oh, never mind, Vickie's here." Click
Lala: "AHAHAHAH!"
Lulu: "I told you she was stupid."
That was one of the most intelligent conversations that I had today.
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Stupid Nurse: "I need to talk to the Dr.."
Lala: "I'm the nurse, can I help you?"
Stupid Nurse: "Who is this?"
Lala: "Lala."
Stupid Nurse: "Lala the nurse?"
Lala: Oh. My. God. "Yes, Lala the nurse."
Stupid Nurse: "Can I talk to her?"
Lala: What? "Who?"
Stupid Nurse: "Argh! Lala the nurse!"
Lala: Wow. "I am Lala the nurse. Can I help you?" Maybe I can recommend a brain transplant
or something else along those lines?
Stupid Nurse: "Oh! You're the nurse? Oh, never mind, Vickie's here." Click
Lala: "AHAHAHAH!"
Lulu: "I told you she was stupid."
That was one of the most intelligent conversations that I had today.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Challenge
What do you do when life presents you with a new challenge? Do you rise to the occasion, or shrink away in fear? Me, I excel under pressure. What is it in us that makes us push through, to actively seek new challenges, rather than coast through life with as little effort as possible?
I watch Z and see so many sides of her both her father and me. She never wants to sit and just be, she has a need to constantly seek and explore and learn. Whatever it is, she links it to what she knows and tries to figure out the rest. At 3 she is more self motivated than 1/2 of the adults that I have ever known. The thing is, all 3 year olds are like that. When do people lose that drive to pursue their sense of self and exploration?
At any given time I have at least 4 projects that I am working on, 2 books that I am reading, and long term goals I am struggling to achieve. I still manage to exercise, cook and clean as necessary, and above all, spend numerous hours with my loved ones. How do people go to work, go home, watch TV and go to bed, feeling that their life is complete?
Honestly I know that all of these things would be better done if I simply focused attention on one at a time, but I don't want to burn out on any of them. Instead I spend a few minutes here and there, or a few hours as needed, to satisfy the urge to learn or create, then move on to the next.
How do people become stagnant? I think they lack love, and therefore motivation, to be better than what they are. They have no reason to become the person they were meant to be, rather they flounder away as the person they are, never knowing what they are missing.
I watch Z and see so many sides of her both her father and me. She never wants to sit and just be, she has a need to constantly seek and explore and learn. Whatever it is, she links it to what she knows and tries to figure out the rest. At 3 she is more self motivated than 1/2 of the adults that I have ever known. The thing is, all 3 year olds are like that. When do people lose that drive to pursue their sense of self and exploration?
At any given time I have at least 4 projects that I am working on, 2 books that I am reading, and long term goals I am struggling to achieve. I still manage to exercise, cook and clean as necessary, and above all, spend numerous hours with my loved ones. How do people go to work, go home, watch TV and go to bed, feeling that their life is complete?
Honestly I know that all of these things would be better done if I simply focused attention on one at a time, but I don't want to burn out on any of them. Instead I spend a few minutes here and there, or a few hours as needed, to satisfy the urge to learn or create, then move on to the next.
How do people become stagnant? I think they lack love, and therefore motivation, to be better than what they are. They have no reason to become the person they were meant to be, rather they flounder away as the person they are, never knowing what they are missing.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
An Update
Wow, what a crazy time this has been!
Training for the Three Day and anxiety about falling into the ocean when "The Big One" comes have occupied all my time not otherwise consumed with Zandra, Scott, and work.
This started off as a wonderful spring. The garden is planted and growing, coming in much faster than expected. The sun has been out and we've already had a few days of wonderful beach weather already, reinforcing why we live in paradise. I've lost that unattractive winter weight and now continue on the quest to have a sexy beach bum bod by June. I know all things are possible, but with Maria going to Ikea and the temptation of their cinnamon rolls... ooooo, the pain I must suffer for vanity!
Training for the 3 Day has been a good way to change up my workouts. I am walking 5-8 miles two days a week, slowly building up to 60 miles over 3 days in November. The walk is for the Susan G Koman Breast Cancer Foundation. I am walking for Marion. I would walk to the ends of the world for Marion, but since that won't help her I'm doing the 3 day instead. I am going to do my first 10 mile walk this weekend, and here's hoping I can do it. I am completely overwhelmed by this adventure, both the physical aspect of it and the fundraising commitment to raise $2,400, but many others have proven that this is possible.
These were my only thoughts until Easter. Then my focus shifted. The earth shook for 30 seconds. No one was hurt, nothing broke, but still it did not pass unnoticed. I will be happy when the trembling stops again, when we go more that 24 hours without a quake we can feel, wondering if this is going to be the one that changes everything. None the less, every smile is sweeter, every kiss lingers longer, every dream seems more urgent. Maybe this will pass also, but I hope not. To truly enjoy each moment is a priceless gift we all talk about but seldom do.
There will be no bad nurse stories for the day. There are many, but they are all a little too wrong to share.
Training for the Three Day and anxiety about falling into the ocean when "The Big One" comes have occupied all my time not otherwise consumed with Zandra, Scott, and work.
This started off as a wonderful spring. The garden is planted and growing, coming in much faster than expected. The sun has been out and we've already had a few days of wonderful beach weather already, reinforcing why we live in paradise. I've lost that unattractive winter weight and now continue on the quest to have a sexy beach bum bod by June. I know all things are possible, but with Maria going to Ikea and the temptation of their cinnamon rolls... ooooo, the pain I must suffer for vanity!
Training for the 3 Day has been a good way to change up my workouts. I am walking 5-8 miles two days a week, slowly building up to 60 miles over 3 days in November. The walk is for the Susan G Koman Breast Cancer Foundation. I am walking for Marion. I would walk to the ends of the world for Marion, but since that won't help her I'm doing the 3 day instead. I am going to do my first 10 mile walk this weekend, and here's hoping I can do it. I am completely overwhelmed by this adventure, both the physical aspect of it and the fundraising commitment to raise $2,400, but many others have proven that this is possible.
These were my only thoughts until Easter. Then my focus shifted. The earth shook for 30 seconds. No one was hurt, nothing broke, but still it did not pass unnoticed. I will be happy when the trembling stops again, when we go more that 24 hours without a quake we can feel, wondering if this is going to be the one that changes everything. None the less, every smile is sweeter, every kiss lingers longer, every dream seems more urgent. Maybe this will pass also, but I hope not. To truly enjoy each moment is a priceless gift we all talk about but seldom do.
There will be no bad nurse stories for the day. There are many, but they are all a little too wrong to share.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Bummer News
Wow, it's official. The world is working against me.
On a whim I decided to look at a BMI - that's Body Mass Index - calculator just to see. It had news I was completely unprepared for. I'm FAT! Not super fat, but still, honest to goodness fat! I know I have curves, but come on... I was completely unprepared for this medical assessment of myself. I am one of the 2/3 of the adult population that is FAT!?! AhHHhHhhhh!
Remember at the beginning that whole thing about needing to lose 20 lbs for vanity? Yah, well now I need to lose 5 just so I won't be be fat anymore!
On a totally different subject, I just received a very funny phone call. Have you ever had the chance to look back and see yourself for what you really were at a point in life now past? I was discussing this with my dearest friend ever, as she has been for almost two decades now, and she told me something I never knew. Back in those dark days her mother found a poem I had written, and not knowing the back story of it, made her go to therapy for it! Poor thing! They didn't believe her when she said it wasn't hers, it was mine. I guess they thought that I was an obvious scape goat. Wow, can you imagine? It's like telling the cops you didn't do it and they don't believe you, but you really didn't do it!
RING RING
Nurse: "Patient has a cough and needs some cough medicine."
Lala: "How often is her cough?"
Nurse: "She's coughing right now."
Lala: "Riiiight. But that doesn't tell me how often it is."
Nurse: "What?"
Lala: "What is the frequency of her cough?"
Lulu: "Haha, don't you know by now you can't use big words!"
Nurse: "Huh?"
Lala: Friggen hell, never mind... "OK, how many times has she coughed in the last 2 hours? A lot, a few?"
Nurse: "Why?"
Lala: AHHHH
P.S. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just working on other stuff, so the writing every day is going as planned, just not always here :)
On a whim I decided to look at a BMI - that's Body Mass Index - calculator just to see. It had news I was completely unprepared for. I'm FAT! Not super fat, but still, honest to goodness fat! I know I have curves, but come on... I was completely unprepared for this medical assessment of myself. I am one of the 2/3 of the adult population that is FAT!?! AhHHhHhhhh!
Remember at the beginning that whole thing about needing to lose 20 lbs for vanity? Yah, well now I need to lose 5 just so I won't be be fat anymore!
On a totally different subject, I just received a very funny phone call. Have you ever had the chance to look back and see yourself for what you really were at a point in life now past? I was discussing this with my dearest friend ever, as she has been for almost two decades now, and she told me something I never knew. Back in those dark days her mother found a poem I had written, and not knowing the back story of it, made her go to therapy for it! Poor thing! They didn't believe her when she said it wasn't hers, it was mine. I guess they thought that I was an obvious scape goat. Wow, can you imagine? It's like telling the cops you didn't do it and they don't believe you, but you really didn't do it!
RING RING
Nurse: "Patient has a cough and needs some cough medicine."
Lala: "How often is her cough?"
Nurse: "She's coughing right now."
Lala: "Riiiight. But that doesn't tell me how often it is."
Nurse: "What?"
Lala: "What is the frequency of her cough?"
Lulu: "Haha, don't you know by now you can't use big words!"
Nurse: "Huh?"
Lala: Friggen hell, never mind... "OK, how many times has she coughed in the last 2 hours? A lot, a few?"
Nurse: "Why?"
Lala: AHHHH
P.S. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just working on other stuff, so the writing every day is going as planned, just not always here :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: "I need to give an order please."
Stupid Nurse: "What?"
Lala: Oh no, not now... "I need to give an order please."
Stupid Nurse: "Huh?"
Lala: "Write. This. Down. GYN consult for PAP smear."
Stupid Nurse (Female): "What?"
Lala: Are you friggin kidding me! "PAP. Smear."
Stupid Nurse: "Huh?"
Lala: "PAP!"
Stupid Nurse: "Pep?"
Lulu: Laughing in background... "Are you talking to a woman?"
Lala: No, I'm talking to a rock. "PAP!"
Stupid Nurse: "Oh, PAP! Haha, OK, I order PAP."
Lala: "I feel so sorry for the patient, I wonder what will end up happening to her. Can I go back to Disneyland PLEASE??"
Lala: "I need to give an order please."
Stupid Nurse: "What?"
Lala: Oh no, not now... "I need to give an order please."
Stupid Nurse: "Huh?"
Lala: "Write. This. Down. GYN consult for PAP smear."
Stupid Nurse (Female): "What?"
Lala: Are you friggin kidding me! "PAP. Smear."
Stupid Nurse: "Huh?"
Lala: "PAP!"
Stupid Nurse: "Pep?"
Lulu: Laughing in background... "Are you talking to a woman?"
Lala: No, I'm talking to a rock. "PAP!"
Stupid Nurse: "Oh, PAP! Haha, OK, I order PAP."
Lala: "I feel so sorry for the patient, I wonder what will end up happening to her. Can I go back to Disneyland PLEASE??"
Friday, January 22, 2010
It's Raining! Again...
It's rained for 5 days. Do you know how long 5 days of bad weather in San Diego is? It's an eternity for us sun worshipers. I pay a premium for everything for the joy of living somewhere that doesn't have seasons or weather. It's sunny and 75, that's all the weatherman knows, so actual weather confuses us. Wind, trees falling, flights cancelled, mudslides... even the dogs are confused. They go running outside to go potty and find themselves in the middle of a bog since there is no drainage in a city that never has rain. They get confused and scared, come back inside and pee on the rug! Ugh.
I know the rain the rain is good but it makes me lethargic. Just ask my boss. I keep calling him and forgetting what I'm calling him for. Oops. If it doesn't stop soon I may become one of THEM!
The rain has made us all in dreary spirits, and Lulu and I are starting to wonder about our futures. Will we get into the programs we applied for? What happens if we don't? Lulu has it worse than me since I only want security for what will come in 5-10 years, whereas she is starting out in life and has pivotal choices to make. The forever WHAT IF question seems to hang over us a bit lower every day, but we are doing good at ignoring it for the time being. Six more weeks and we'll have some answers, but honestly, that will just lead to the big question: What now?
RING RING
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Stupid Nurse: "My patient needs an appetite stimulant."
Lala: "Why?"
Stupid Nurse: "Because she's losing weight. She's lost 17 pounds in one month!"
Lala: OK, may be valid... "What is her current weight?"
Stupid Nurse: "She's down to 200 pounds!"
Lala: If she only had a brain. "Mmmm. OK, well, in this case maybe the weight loss is desired then? She's still not at a healthy weight so we don't want to encourage her to gain more weight."
Stupid Nurse: "But she's lost so much! Don't we need to do something?"
Lala: "Is she on a calorie restricted diet?"
Stupid Nurse: "Yes."
Lala: Wow, she truly have no idea what she's doing. "No new order."
Stupid Nurse: "But, but..."
Lala: "Lulu, psych eval on 1 please. Crazy nurse for you."
Seriously, when did my profession start letting all the dumdums in?
I know the rain the rain is good but it makes me lethargic. Just ask my boss. I keep calling him and forgetting what I'm calling him for. Oops. If it doesn't stop soon I may become one of THEM!
The rain has made us all in dreary spirits, and Lulu and I are starting to wonder about our futures. Will we get into the programs we applied for? What happens if we don't? Lulu has it worse than me since I only want security for what will come in 5-10 years, whereas she is starting out in life and has pivotal choices to make. The forever WHAT IF question seems to hang over us a bit lower every day, but we are doing good at ignoring it for the time being. Six more weeks and we'll have some answers, but honestly, that will just lead to the big question: What now?
RING RING
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Stupid Nurse: "My patient needs an appetite stimulant."
Lala: "Why?"
Stupid Nurse: "Because she's losing weight. She's lost 17 pounds in one month!"
Lala: OK, may be valid... "What is her current weight?"
Stupid Nurse: "She's down to 200 pounds!"
Lala: If she only had a brain. "Mmmm. OK, well, in this case maybe the weight loss is desired then? She's still not at a healthy weight so we don't want to encourage her to gain more weight."
Stupid Nurse: "But she's lost so much! Don't we need to do something?"
Lala: "Is she on a calorie restricted diet?"
Stupid Nurse: "Yes."
Lala: Wow, she truly have no idea what she's doing. "No new order."
Stupid Nurse: "But, but..."
Lala: "Lulu, psych eval on 1 please. Crazy nurse for you."
Seriously, when did my profession start letting all the dumdums in?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
It has come to my attention that my previous color scheme strained the eyes of my elder readers, so hopefully these colors will be easier to see.
The monsoonal rain has made the mood quite blah around here for the last few days, so even though I have been writing, I have no great insights to share. Please don't think you are being ignored, I will let you know the *moment* anything worth sharing occurs.
RING RING
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Someone: "Huh?"
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Someone: "Huh?"
Lala: "Can. I. Help. You."
Someone: "Hello?"
Lala: Click. When they learn to use the phone they can call back.
Seriously, not even any great new dumdum stories to share! I think everyone is hibernating this week.
The monsoonal rain has made the mood quite blah around here for the last few days, so even though I have been writing, I have no great insights to share. Please don't think you are being ignored, I will let you know the *moment* anything worth sharing occurs.
RING RING
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Someone: "Huh?"
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Someone: "Huh?"
Lala: "Can. I. Help. You."
Someone: "Hello?"
Lala: Click. When they learn to use the phone they can call back.
Seriously, not even any great new dumdum stories to share! I think everyone is hibernating this week.
Friday, January 15, 2010
A Disney Thought
Remember the song "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid? When Ariel is in her cavern looking at all her crap? To refresh your memory -
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
I always think of this song when I think of going to Disneyland, and I think I finally figured out why. It's a subliminal message to GO to Disneyland! Seriously, stick with me and I'll show you...
Take the first stanza. Being a Disney idiot I collect the pins and love the clothes and all the "stuff", and like the song, who cares? I WANT MORE! Every time I go I feel the urge to buy more pretty stuff!
Skip to the fourth stanza and you see California. At Disneyland you walk all day in the sun! See! See! I'm not crazy, I just finally broke one of the subliminal Disney messages!
And in case you are wondering, I will be going to Disneyland next week for 3 days and will have a fantastic time. I have no problem with Disneyland as it is the happiest place on earth, and I want to take a little piece of it home every time I visit.
I love Fridays, they are normally mellow until about 4, so I'll share this one from the wall of shame:
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: "Medical records please"
Medical Records: "Can I help you?"
Lala: "I need the diagnosis for a patient please."
Medical Records: "What?"
Lala: "Can you please look at the chart and tell me the patient's diagnosis, or the reason he is sick?" Since your JOB is to look at charts this should not be that difficult...
Medical Records: "I don't see it. I can't help you."
Lala: Deep Breath..1....2....3... "Yes you can. Please open the chart and look at the first page and tell me what it says."
Medical Records: "It say malice and fatigue."
Lala: Are you fucking kidding me?!? "Malice? She is ill from 'malice'?" Did she get a voodoo hex put on her? "Huh. Are you sure? Maybe it says Malaise?"
Medical Records: "OK. Maybe. Same thing."
Lala: Not so sure about that. I bet if you look closely you'll see a few differences. "OK, thank you."
Lulu: (finger laughing) "jajajajajajaj!!"
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
I always think of this song when I think of going to Disneyland, and I think I finally figured out why. It's a subliminal message to GO to Disneyland! Seriously, stick with me and I'll show you...
Take the first stanza. Being a Disney idiot I collect the pins and love the clothes and all the "stuff", and like the song, who cares? I WANT MORE! Every time I go I feel the urge to buy more pretty stuff!
Skip to the fourth stanza and you see California. At Disneyland you walk all day in the sun! See! See! I'm not crazy, I just finally broke one of the subliminal Disney messages!
And in case you are wondering, I will be going to Disneyland next week for 3 days and will have a fantastic time. I have no problem with Disneyland as it is the happiest place on earth, and I want to take a little piece of it home every time I visit.
I love Fridays, they are normally mellow until about 4, so I'll share this one from the wall of shame:
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: "Medical records please"
Medical Records: "Can I help you?"
Lala: "I need the diagnosis for a patient please."
Medical Records: "What?"
Lala: "Can you please look at the chart and tell me the patient's diagnosis, or the reason he is sick?" Since your JOB is to look at charts this should not be that difficult...
Medical Records: "I don't see it. I can't help you."
Lala: Deep Breath..1....2....3... "Yes you can. Please open the chart and look at the first page and tell me what it says."
Medical Records: "It say malice and fatigue."
Lala: Are you fucking kidding me?!? "Malice? She is ill from 'malice'?" Did she get a voodoo hex put on her? "Huh. Are you sure? Maybe it says Malaise?"
Medical Records: "OK. Maybe. Same thing."
Lala: Not so sure about that. I bet if you look closely you'll see a few differences. "OK, thank you."
Lulu: (finger laughing) "jajajajajajaj!!"
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Why am I a Nurse?
The other day I was asked by an old friend: "Tell me what you love about nursing." Mmmm... Why is that question so hard? I can tell you what I loathe about it, what drives me insane, what takes me to the brink of insanity every single day; but what do I love about it?
Let's start at the beginning. WHY am I a nurse? I was aimlessly wondering through life at the young age of 20, taking a few core classes at JC, and my grandfather told me that he thought I would be a good nurse. Eh, really? Sure, why not. It was relatively easy - take a test, give them some money, into nursing school you go. OK. Now I know what to be when I grow up. Decision made. There was one little glitch though... WHY am I a nurse? Everyone else went to nursing school for a reason - To help others, to make money, to have security. I did it because my grandfather recommend it. For those of you that don't know, my grandfather was my world, so who was I to doubt his wisdom?
Now, fast forward 10+ years. I've taken almost 100 college credits on top of nursing school in order to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. First, I thought it would be nifty to be a metal smith and make custom jewelry. It was a great plan, and I was doing it until the metal market went insane and material costs tripled, making it obvious that it would be impossible to make a living. Thankfully, I still had nursing. So back I went to a job that I was good at but still conflicted about. Sadly, very little has changed since then.
I've been through several other brilliant plans, the last one being to become an English teacher. What a great gig! Read great books and talk about them all day! This was to be my master plan, the culmination of all my brilliant plans. Um, yeah, not so much. Apparently there was a massive teacher shortage a few years ago, and as a result a lot of people went back to school and became teachers... So many of them in fact that there is now a surplus of teachers, and most of them are waiting tables while they wait for the economy to turn ar0und so they can finally get their shot at a "real job" and pay off their college loans. There went that master plan.
I am very lucky. I currently have a fantastic job. It's one of those once in a lifetime experiences that I will hold on to until someone pries my last clinging finger off, but I know that the Dr. has to retire at some point. Sadly, that will be before I am old enough to retire. That means that I will have to re-enter the real world, which I keep telling Lulu is a sad and horrid place that I never want to see again. So once again I am faced with the question - What do I love about nursing? Why am I a nurse?
The why is easy- It pays the bills. It's the main reason all of us work. To live, to have fun, to enjoy the monthly trip to Disneyland.
What do I LOVE about it - Wow. In the beginning I remember being amazed the first time I did CPR on a person and watched them walk out of the the ICU three days later. I remember the thought that wow, they are alive because of me... Well, me and an entire ICU team of Dr.s and nurses, all of which did more than me during that first code when I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry instead of doing chest compressions, but that was my thought at the time. I remember the first letter I ever received from the family of a patient after he died. Even though the patient had died, the family still wanted to tell me what the care and comfort that I had given to the patient and the family in those final days meant to them. Not the ICU team, but what I personally had given to them. I remember the first time a patient that I allowed myself to get attached to died, and how I couldn't work for the next two days because I was so overwhelmed by grief and sorrow.
All of those things happened within the first year of nursing. Those memories have kept the love of nursing alive in my memory, if not my heart. I don't know that if I were to start nursing today that I could have the same experiences. Age and experience have made me jaded, out of necessity more than anything, so very few things are seen with the rose colored tint that I viewed that time with. In the same thought I know that if I didn't have those experiences there is no way that I would have be able to tolerate this profession as long as I have, and I also know those experiences and this profession have allowed me to become the person that I am today.
So what do I love about nursing? I love the idea of it more than anything, the thought that at some point I can make someone's life better. The reality of it is now I love the people I work with, and the occasional positive interactions I have with other nurses that gives me hope that not every nurse has failed their basic ESL class and have a bit of humanity left in them. Most are now there for the money, and honestly it's the one job that you can't do just for the paycheck.
What do I want to be when I grow up? No idea, I'll let you know when I figure it out.
What do I dislike about nursing?
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: "May I please have the nurse for Bob please?"
Stupid Nurse: "No."
Lala: "No?"
Stupid Nurse: "No what?"
Lala: Are you fucking kidding me? "This is the Dr's office, I need to give an order."
Stupid Nurse: "Can I help you?"
Lala: "I don't know, can you? Are you a nurse?"
Stupid Nurse: "No."
Lala: killmekillmekillme "Can I talk to a nurse?"
Stupid Nurse: "I'm a nurse today, I'll help you."
Lala: Huh? OMG "Ooookay... Can you take an order?"
Stupid Nurse: "I can try."
Lala: "Lulu, if I ever end up in a SNF just take me to TJ and drop me off in some acid, I think it will be a more pleasant experience."
Let's start at the beginning. WHY am I a nurse? I was aimlessly wondering through life at the young age of 20, taking a few core classes at JC, and my grandfather told me that he thought I would be a good nurse. Eh, really? Sure, why not. It was relatively easy - take a test, give them some money, into nursing school you go. OK. Now I know what to be when I grow up. Decision made. There was one little glitch though... WHY am I a nurse? Everyone else went to nursing school for a reason - To help others, to make money, to have security. I did it because my grandfather recommend it. For those of you that don't know, my grandfather was my world, so who was I to doubt his wisdom?
Now, fast forward 10+ years. I've taken almost 100 college credits on top of nursing school in order to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. First, I thought it would be nifty to be a metal smith and make custom jewelry. It was a great plan, and I was doing it until the metal market went insane and material costs tripled, making it obvious that it would be impossible to make a living. Thankfully, I still had nursing. So back I went to a job that I was good at but still conflicted about. Sadly, very little has changed since then.
I've been through several other brilliant plans, the last one being to become an English teacher. What a great gig! Read great books and talk about them all day! This was to be my master plan, the culmination of all my brilliant plans. Um, yeah, not so much. Apparently there was a massive teacher shortage a few years ago, and as a result a lot of people went back to school and became teachers... So many of them in fact that there is now a surplus of teachers, and most of them are waiting tables while they wait for the economy to turn ar0und so they can finally get their shot at a "real job" and pay off their college loans. There went that master plan.
I am very lucky. I currently have a fantastic job. It's one of those once in a lifetime experiences that I will hold on to until someone pries my last clinging finger off, but I know that the Dr. has to retire at some point. Sadly, that will be before I am old enough to retire. That means that I will have to re-enter the real world, which I keep telling Lulu is a sad and horrid place that I never want to see again. So once again I am faced with the question - What do I love about nursing? Why am I a nurse?
The why is easy- It pays the bills. It's the main reason all of us work. To live, to have fun, to enjoy the monthly trip to Disneyland.
What do I LOVE about it - Wow. In the beginning I remember being amazed the first time I did CPR on a person and watched them walk out of the the ICU three days later. I remember the thought that wow, they are alive because of me... Well, me and an entire ICU team of Dr.s and nurses, all of which did more than me during that first code when I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry instead of doing chest compressions, but that was my thought at the time. I remember the first letter I ever received from the family of a patient after he died. Even though the patient had died, the family still wanted to tell me what the care and comfort that I had given to the patient and the family in those final days meant to them. Not the ICU team, but what I personally had given to them. I remember the first time a patient that I allowed myself to get attached to died, and how I couldn't work for the next two days because I was so overwhelmed by grief and sorrow.
All of those things happened within the first year of nursing. Those memories have kept the love of nursing alive in my memory, if not my heart. I don't know that if I were to start nursing today that I could have the same experiences. Age and experience have made me jaded, out of necessity more than anything, so very few things are seen with the rose colored tint that I viewed that time with. In the same thought I know that if I didn't have those experiences there is no way that I would have be able to tolerate this profession as long as I have, and I also know those experiences and this profession have allowed me to become the person that I am today.
So what do I love about nursing? I love the idea of it more than anything, the thought that at some point I can make someone's life better. The reality of it is now I love the people I work with, and the occasional positive interactions I have with other nurses that gives me hope that not every nurse has failed their basic ESL class and have a bit of humanity left in them. Most are now there for the money, and honestly it's the one job that you can't do just for the paycheck.
What do I want to be when I grow up? No idea, I'll let you know when I figure it out.
What do I dislike about nursing?
OUTGOING CALL
Lala: "May I please have the nurse for Bob please?"
Stupid Nurse: "No."
Lala: "No?"
Stupid Nurse: "No what?"
Lala: Are you fucking kidding me? "This is the Dr's office, I need to give an order."
Stupid Nurse: "Can I help you?"
Lala: "I don't know, can you? Are you a nurse?"
Stupid Nurse: "No."
Lala: killmekillmekillme "Can I talk to a nurse?"
Stupid Nurse: "I'm a nurse today, I'll help you."
Lala: Huh? OMG "Ooookay... Can you take an order?"
Stupid Nurse: "I can try."
Lala: "Lulu, if I ever end up in a SNF just take me to TJ and drop me off in some acid, I think it will be a more pleasant experience."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
In the Beginning...
Have you ever stood in the mirror and wondered what happened to the person that you used to be, to the person that you still see in your mind but not reflected in the mirror? I'm not talking just about physical beauty, but also about the dreams and desires that used to drive us, and now sit stagnant in some long forgotten but well intentioned dream.
I realized this morning that, statically, at least 1/3 if not 1/2 of my life is over, and that leaves very little time to finish doing the things that were once so important to finish. So, here goes nothing... The first step in reinventing what has become a mediocre existence. Wait, let me first clarify this - my life is fantastic. I have more love and laughter and joy in every day than many people get in a lifetime. If I could go no further in life than what I have now I would be happy every day with that. I simply have a little voice in my head that says I need to do more. I need to seek this dream or this vacation or this little moment of pleasure before the chance is gone.
Step One - Embrace Change!
First, what should I change? For starters I'll go with vanity. No, I won't change my vanity, I will work a little harder to appease it. Lose 20 pounds, brush my hair more than twice a week, that sort of nonsense that keeps me sane and keeps my husband interested. I'll do this a little at a time so in a month or so I'll add some more changes. You know what they say, too much change at once and you are destined to fail. Or, you are simply to lazy to do too much at once. Mmmm, I wonder which one I am...
Step Two - Write!
Well that's easy. You can not believe the things that are done on a daily basis. I will simply log them and let you decide how much you believe of it. Sadly, most will be true, no matter how much you want to deny it. I will change names to protect the innocent. I will be playing the part of Lala, with Lulu as my always there, never fail, need to be merged with counterpart that keeps me sane every day.
Step Three - Travel!
My monthly Disneyland trips and hiking excursions not withstanding, there is very little travel that I have logged. I can draw you a detailed map of Oahu, but I've never been on any of the other islands. I've driven from one coast to the other, but never stopped to enjoy the journey. I've been to Canada but never to Mexico, which is only 10 miles away. The master plan is Europe this spring, which involves less shopping and more saving on my part, so that also goes back to the whole "change" category. It also involves two 15 hour plane flights. I'm not sure if there is enough Xanax in the world, but I'll keep you updated.
I think that's enough decisions and proclamations for one day.
As promised- The Story of the Day:
Ring Ring
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Annoying Lady: "I need you to tell me it's OK for my mom to fly to Australia."
Lala: Huh? Who the fuck is this? "I'm sorry m'am, only the Dr. can do that. May I have your name and have him call you?"
Annoying Lady: "No. Just tell me, in your opinion, is it OK medically for her to go. I know she just had a blood clot in her lungs and she's really old and sick, but since you're a nurse you can tell me if, in your opinion, it will be safe."
Lala: OMG. "No, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I am not a Dr.. I will have the Dr. call you back when he is available." Click
Ring Ring
Lulu: "Can I help you?"
Annoying Lady: "Hi, I just spoke with the nurse and she couldn't help me so I'm hoping you can. Can you tell me it's OK for my to fly my mom to Australia?"
Lulu: "Hold please." "Lala, crazy lady on line one for you"
Lala: Please shoot me now. "Can I help you..."
I realized this morning that, statically, at least 1/3 if not 1/2 of my life is over, and that leaves very little time to finish doing the things that were once so important to finish. So, here goes nothing... The first step in reinventing what has become a mediocre existence. Wait, let me first clarify this - my life is fantastic. I have more love and laughter and joy in every day than many people get in a lifetime. If I could go no further in life than what I have now I would be happy every day with that. I simply have a little voice in my head that says I need to do more. I need to seek this dream or this vacation or this little moment of pleasure before the chance is gone.
Step One - Embrace Change!
First, what should I change? For starters I'll go with vanity. No, I won't change my vanity, I will work a little harder to appease it. Lose 20 pounds, brush my hair more than twice a week, that sort of nonsense that keeps me sane and keeps my husband interested. I'll do this a little at a time so in a month or so I'll add some more changes. You know what they say, too much change at once and you are destined to fail. Or, you are simply to lazy to do too much at once. Mmmm, I wonder which one I am...
Step Two - Write!
Well that's easy. You can not believe the things that are done on a daily basis. I will simply log them and let you decide how much you believe of it. Sadly, most will be true, no matter how much you want to deny it. I will change names to protect the innocent. I will be playing the part of Lala, with Lulu as my always there, never fail, need to be merged with counterpart that keeps me sane every day.
Step Three - Travel!
My monthly Disneyland trips and hiking excursions not withstanding, there is very little travel that I have logged. I can draw you a detailed map of Oahu, but I've never been on any of the other islands. I've driven from one coast to the other, but never stopped to enjoy the journey. I've been to Canada but never to Mexico, which is only 10 miles away. The master plan is Europe this spring, which involves less shopping and more saving on my part, so that also goes back to the whole "change" category. It also involves two 15 hour plane flights. I'm not sure if there is enough Xanax in the world, but I'll keep you updated.
I think that's enough decisions and proclamations for one day.
As promised- The Story of the Day:
Ring Ring
Lala: "Can I help you?"
Annoying Lady: "I need you to tell me it's OK for my mom to fly to Australia."
Lala: Huh? Who the fuck is this? "I'm sorry m'am, only the Dr. can do that. May I have your name and have him call you?"
Annoying Lady: "No. Just tell me, in your opinion, is it OK medically for her to go. I know she just had a blood clot in her lungs and she's really old and sick, but since you're a nurse you can tell me if, in your opinion, it will be safe."
Lala: OMG. "No, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I am not a Dr.. I will have the Dr. call you back when he is available." Click
Ring Ring
Lulu: "Can I help you?"
Annoying Lady: "Hi, I just spoke with the nurse and she couldn't help me so I'm hoping you can. Can you tell me it's OK for my to fly my mom to Australia?"
Lulu: "Hold please." "Lala, crazy lady on line one for you"
Lala: Please shoot me now. "Can I help you..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
