Life As I Know It

Life is never guaranteed yet we take for granted that we will live forever, or at least be here long enough to see our children grow and our parents die. What a harrowing experience it has been to have that perspective shattered and to see the frailty of life in my own mortality. Now the storm has passed and the deep fears are subsided but the lessons learned are deeply etched. As was shown in many ways this year there is no time for anger, remorse, or regret; there is only time for celebration, joyful exuberance, and love. I have learned these lessons many times in life, but never have they meant so much or been so clear.

My life is no longer my own. For over four years it has belonged to a wonderfully sweet little blue eyed girl and her mischievous blue eyed father. My thoughts of the future are consumed with my hopes for her and the joy of sharing it with him. The fear of not being there to see her grow has consumed me for months, just as the fear of leaving him behind has devastated my heart. However, now I can breathe. Now I know, though not guaranteed, that I have a better chance of being there to hold their hands through all of their journeys.

This year we celebrate each other. We celebrate a wonderful life full of promise and magic. We celebrate a love that shines through all we do for each other. We celebrate every moment we have together. We celebrate us.

Fear

What a consuming emotion fear is. It dictates your thoughts, emotions, well-being, outlook... it changes you.

The true test is if the changes stay after the fear has passed. Will the lessons learned and the knowledge gleaned remain, or will they too fade with the fear?

Right now life is at a standstill. There is no breath that is taken without thought, no action is simple, so sleep can be sought. This too shall pass... Right? Every day brings a deeper fear and a step closer to resolution.

Breathe... Breathe...

When it is over - Remember what was taught. Remember what was important in this moment.

Times Change

I really dislike it when reality intrudes on my fantasy life. Normally I have a very strict rule - they are not allowed to cross paths, and rarely ever need to acknowledge the existence of the other. But this week... This week there was no denying that my fantasy life was killed by reality.

Time now for deep breaths, stiff drinks, and lots and lots of Cubbie hugs.

The Con

Ahh, Comic Con. How I've missed you. It's been two years since I last sampled your excess. Free stuff everywhere, the best flair I've ever known decorating legions of costumed geeks, all squeezing in through cramped isles in the hopeless effort to see it all.

Hall H. That hallowed ground where only the super rich and famous grace the stage. Your 6,000 strong seating filled to capacity with a line of thousands more desperately awaiting their turn to see the next biggest best thing to come. I peek through the door as it briefly opens to admit one more lucky soul, take pictures of the thousands waiting for their moment to cross the threshold, then go on my way to explore the corners that are ignored by so many.

The independent artist's gallery. The indie press graphic novels. The secluded corner that allows me 3 inches of personal space and an unobstructed view of the craziness. These surround stages and productions not often seen outside of Hollywood. Crowds gather at the whisper of "free stuff", and turn into frenzied yet organized madness, all clamoring to be the lucky recipient of a tee shirt for a movie they've never heard of, a poster of someone they'll never hang, or a first edition signed collectors edition of their favorite artist/writer newest release.

A year of anticipation, 4 days of chaos, then no more. It's back to bottling up the alter ego that only comes out for the Con. No more zombie takeovers of Horton Plaza. No more Star Troopers battling next to knights in full armor while a legion of belly dancers and Leias cheer them on. No more glitter. No more flair.

Good-bye until next year...

I Can See Blue Sky!

Half way through July the sun has finally revealed itself. Until now it has insisted on hiding behind a veil of gray that obscured its light and warmth for months. While others in the country are dealing with heat exhaustion, we were still wearing sweaters and jeans to ward off the chill. So bring on the beach, the salt, the frigid water cooling off the roasting body, the waves that tumble you onto the shore, the happy exhaustion that follows a day of gleeful exertion.

OUTGOING CALL
Lala: " I need to give an order please."
Dumbdumb: "I am the nurse, I can help you."
Lala: "OK, great. D/C this medication."
Dumbdumb: "What?"
Lala: Maybe he can't hear me? "D/C this medication."
Dumbdumb: "Can you spell that please?"
Lala: Huh? "Spell what?"
Dumbdumb: "D/C."
Lala: "No, I won't spell that. Discontinue. Stop. No longer take. D/C. It is a common medical abbreviation." Oh. My. God. You are taking care of someone's mother.
Dumbdumb: "What?"
Lala: "Listen. Write D/C the medicine, that all you need to do. If you can't do that I need to speak with your charge nurse." And call the nursing board on you. Wow!
Dumbdumb: "I am the charge nurse!"

Time Passes

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to see yourself as who you are now, while looking through your eyes fifteen years ago? Would your old self be amazed at how far you have come? Be disappointed that you did not live up to all the promises that you made yourself? Would you have the capacity to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you made?

I recently remade the acquaintance of someone that was one of the most important people in my life. She was my LIFE and sanity for a little over a year, and when she could no longer take the strain of being responsible for her life as well as mine we had to go our separate ways. Now, 15 years later, we met with the memory of what was and the knowledge of who we have become.

To me, she exceeded the promise of who she would become. To her, I hope I did the same. It was a rocky path we were on back then, and only luck and some glimmering hope kept us from jumping off the edge. I walked further and closer to that edge than she would, which is why she had to let me go. It wasn't safe where I was leading, and as hard as it was, she had to let me go.

I was broken when she was lost to me. But she didn't leave me empty handed. She gave me the best present in that she gave Scott. None of us could have guessed what it would become, where we would all be now, but none the less I am forever in her debt for all that she gave me.

I was surprised at how bittersweet seeing her again was. It made me miss deeply what could have been. It made me so joyous for her life and love and accomplishments. It made me regret my many, many missteps that caused pain to her and others that were trying only to help. More than anything, it warmed my heart to see her as the kind girl of my memories, made only more beautiful by age and wisdom.

In fifteen years I hope to be able to look back and see this moment as the time we were reconnected, not another lost chance and wonder, "What ever happened to that lovely girl?".

Age

Do you remember being young and thinking that 30 was so old? How about 40? I now look at people that are 50 - almost 20 years older than I am now - and think, "Huh, you don't look old."

I know what changed the perception. I aged. I added years and wisdom to my psyche. I no longer judge people solely on their looks (you know it matters, don't say you don't notice). I listen to their words before I determine what type of person they are. I see beauty and sexuality in all those around me, not just the young hot 20 somethings. They actually seem a little off now. I envy their physical beauty, but I also know now that intelligence, humor, and wisdom are the things that will keep me interested in them after the initial luster wears thin.

I know this is a sign of age. Hopefully it is also a sign of maturity.

The one great thing about getting older is I have better toys. So there.